Muckraking: A Rock Review of The Perfect Teeth

By Perfect Teeth

perfect teeth One Wednesday night Steve drank enough beer to be able to honestly say to himself, "I would like to be in a rock band. Not necessarily a good rock band, but a rock band nonetheless." He immediately told no one.

After a traumatizing karaoke experience, Tina honestly resolved never to impersonate Stevie Nicks again: "I may be an awful singer, but I can keep a beat if I stick out my tongue at the same time. I should be a drummer in a rock band." She immediately demonstrated said prowess with a spork, a ruler, and the back of a tricycle.

After noticing a sign for a dentist's office bearing the caption "Perfect Teeth", Heather honestly thought to herself, "That's a great name for a rock band." She immediately told everyone she saw because she thought it was really clever and adorable.

Blythe chimed in, "I honestly believe 'Sugar Bush' is a better name for a rock band. Especially an all-girl rock band." She immediately asked Steve, Tina, and Heather if they would like to be in an all-girl rock band.

Thus Perfect Teeth and Sugar Bush were born. Most people thought they were the same band. Their similarities are unimportant. Everything was happy until the fateful day Heather found out that a band named The Perfect Teeth was playing at the Empty Bottle. The three girls and a guy (all gorgeous and fine) decided to head out and confront these imposters for stealing one of the names for their rock band—or, at the very least, write a rotten review of the show….

Song 1
H: This reminds me of a band called Acetone, which I almost like.
B: Why would anyone name their band after a volatile, fragrant, flammable liquid? I admit those are all cool qualities, but the word itself does nothing for me.
S: This is background music while you're talking to other people.
T: Looky! They have buttons! They were in a puddle of something on the bar.

Song 2
T: There's too much tuning going on; wasn't there a sound check?
S: Three guys and a girl. Hey, she's like my dark twin!
B: Yes… your dark, far less attractive twin. So, that would be fraternal, right?
T: The guitar player seems like he's in a different band. These guys don't gel. And their shirts are ugly.
S: Yes, but the bass player is a lovely girl.
B: You're so easy, Steve.
H: I say, "bland and uninspired." Another vodka and tonic?

Song 3
H: That was a song?
B: It's music, Heather, but not as we know it.
T: I feel like I'm at a high-school talent show.
H: Yeah, but they're still much better than we are.
B: But everyone's much better than we are.
S: Say, those folks at the bar are obviously somebody's parents. Another vodka and tonic?

Song 4
H: Where is this song going?
B: It's hard to pick out any one direction, with so much flailing going on up there.
T: Who cares? It seems to have ended abruptly…
S: …and without applause. Another vodka and tonic?

Song 5
Heather and Tina debate the sign-language symbols for P and Q.

Song 6
H: This is nice and dreamy.
B: Not painfully bad, anyway.
S: Does this sound like a song at all or just a mess?
T: All I see are shrugging, bumbling nerds with an "oops-we-fucked-up-and-we- know-we-suck" attitude.
H: Good thing we're not like that.
B: We aren't?
S: Seems like there was some call for someone to come up on stage…
H: …and it appears that no one did. How exciting. Another vodka and tonic?

Song 7
H: I'd love to say this sounds like Brit Pop.
T: I'm disappointed. I was hoping for glam-rockers, or some guys with mullets, or a stupid, pretty, all-girl band.
B: I was just hoping they'd suck real bad. So my evening's a success.
S: You know, there are quite a few people up in front looking rapturously at the band. Do you think we should go up there?
T: I'm actually quite fine here.
H: I think they're supposed to be some sort of supergroup.
S: Well, they're not sounding all that super.
H: No, it just means they all play with other bands and this is like a side project.
T: It MEANS this is a group that never practices together.
B: Good thing we go by Sugar Bush now so no one will confuse us with these losers.
S: Yeah, they're a train wreck. Another vodka and tonic?

The next day, Tina woke up with a horrible feeling. Knowing that vodka and tonic was not responsible, she got on the Internet and looked up "Sugar Bush" on She found TWO bands named some variation of Sugar Bush, both based in Canada. Total bummer! And while Sugar Bush realizes how uncool it is that this hemisphere is not big enough for two bands with virtually the same name, THREE just will not stand. Road trip!

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