Celebrity Boxing: George Lucas vs. Osama bin Laden

By Matt McCarthy



The following is the transcript of a boxing match that almost could have taken place. Ringside with our announcers for tonight's fight, Donald Rumsfeld and C-3PO.

RUMSFELD:
Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Las Vegas, Nevada, for what I am sure will prove a memorable occasion for all those millions of Americans out there who love boxing, Star Wars, and democracy. I'm secretary of defense Donald Rumsfeld alongside C-3PO, and we're here to bring you, the American people, tonight's main event, as George "the Jedi" Lucas squares off against Osama "Yo Momma" bin Laden in three commercial-free rounds of boxing, brought to you by the good folks at Sears. Come see the softer side of Sears.

C-3PO:
That's right, Master Rumsfeld. I am quite certain that tonight's bout will not only prove to be most entertaining, but should also provide a suitable end for the vile gangster Osama bin Laden and restore order to our troubled planet.

RUMSFELD:
Make no mistake about it, that's certainly what we're all hoping for here tonight. And to make sure it happen, I've got some young men and women from the Marine Sniper Corps hidden in the rafters, not to mention the .45 I always strap to my ankle, just in case your man Lucas can't come through for America.

C-3PO:
Oh, my!

RUMSFELD:
That's right, 3PO. I've taken care of everything.

A tremendous chorus of boos suddenly envelops the stadium.

C-3PO:
It would appear that Mister bin Laden is making his way to the ring.

A large entourage of security heads down one of the aisles toward the ring. A robed Osama bin Laden is in the middle of this group followed by three petite, veiled women. He stoically endures the shouts and jeers of the enraged crowd as he walks down the aisle.

RUMSFELD:
Osama is being escorted to the ring by three of his wives and members of the Nevada State National Guard, who are under strict orders to shoot bin Laden and his wives if they try any funny business.

As the group reaches the edge of the ring, security stops. The three veiled Mrs. bin Ladens walk up the steps that lead to the ring and spread the ropes apart for their husband to climb through. The crowd is still booing emphatically.

C-3PO:
Mister bin Laden stands an impressive six feet five inches tall, and weighs in at nearly 220 lbs. He originally hails from Saudi Arabia, but has lived in caves and other primitive dwellings around the world.

Without warning, the lights suddenly go out. A spotlight shines down on the area just outside of the tunnel from which bin Laden previously emerged, and the familiar theme from Star Wars begins playing over the loudspeaker. The crowd erupts in cheers.

C-3PO:
That must be Master Lucas!

Two robed, hooded figures calmly make their way to the stage under the spotlight. One of the figures appears to be only about three feet tall, and seems to be walking with a cane.

RUMSFELD:
Lucas is making his way to the ring now, accompanied by Yoda, who will serve as corner man.

C-3PO:
Master Lucas is quite fortunate to have Master Yoda in his corner.

RUMSFELD:
That's true 3PO, but I wouldn't mind havin' one or two of those Osama wives there in my corner too, if you know what I mean...

Lucas and Yoda enter the ring and draw back their hoods to thunderous applause. The lights come back up and the music dies down. The crowd is howling in delight.

RUMSFELD:
The referee for tonight's fight was supposed to be George Foreman, but I understand they're having some difficulty pulling him away from a buffet table in the back.

C-3PO:
We're doomed!

RUMSFELD:
Don't worry, 3PO. At the last minute we were fortunate enough to land Celebrity Boxing alumnus Danny Bonaduce to stand in for Big George. So it'll be Danny Partridge calling the shots tonight.

C-3PO:
Oh, my. I suppose that was fortunate.

RUMSFELD:
You'd better believe it.

The voice of the ring announcer comes over the speakers.

ANNOUNCER:
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the Celebrity Boxing main event, sponsored tonight by Sears. The referee for tonight's fight will be TV personality and former celebrity boxer, Danny Bonaduce.

Bonaduce steps forward and waves to the politely applauding crowd.

ANNOUNCER:
Now, without further ado, LET'S GET READY TO RRRUMMMMMBBBBBBLLLE! In the black trunks, hailing from Saudi Arabia, the 220-lb. scourge of the free world, the F.B.I.'s most wanted man, Osama "Yo Momma" bin Laden!

The crowd boos and hisses vehemently. Osama, now disrobed and bare-chested, struts around the ring with his gloved fists held high above his head. As he puts his arms down it is impossible not to notice that bin Laden has man-boobs and a bit of a paunchy midsection on his large frame.

RUMSFELD:
There he is, 3PO. It's finally time. It's taking every once of restraint I have not to stand up and gun down that criminal and his sexy terrorist wives.

C-3PO:
Oh dear, oh dear...

ANNOUNCER:
And in the white trunks

The crowd once again erupts in cheers. It is several moments before the announcer can continue.

ANNOUNCER:
…also weighing in at 220 lbs., from the great state of California, one of the most beloved box-office tycoons of all time, the man who brought you such classics as The Phantom Menace, Dark Crystal, and Willow, George "The Jedi" Lucas!

The crowd goes crazy, slathering affection onto Lucas, who has also disrobed at this point. He too, has the man-boobs and the paunchy midsection. He's also gleaming, powder white. But the crowd loves him anyway. He nods respectfully and remains calm.

ANNOUNCER:
The judges scoring tonight's fight at ringside are former President Gerald Ford, Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler, and Bo Jackson.

Of the three, Bo Jackson gets the most applause. In the ring the fighters are preparing for the bout. Referee Danny Bonaduce is going over the rules with them.

BONADUCE:
All right you guys. I want a nice clean fight here. No low blows, no headbutts. I'm talkin' to you, bin Laden. If I tell you guys to break, I want you to break right away. If a knockdown occurs I want you to go to a neutral corner immediately and stay there until I tell you to come out. Mr. Lucas, if there are any parts you need filled in your next movie, I'm available. Now shake hands and come out fighting!

Lucas and bin Laden tap gloves and return to their corners.

C-3PO: I'm so excited my circuits are about to overload!

RUMSFELD:
I was thinking the same thing. You might have to check my shorts!

The bell rings to start the first round, and both fighters come out of their corners and walk toward the center of the ring.

RUMSFELD:
All right. Operation "Death Star" is underway here this evening.

The two fighters begin exchanging jabs. It is obvious from the start that Lucas is the superior boxer.

C-3PO:
Master Lucas seems to be doing quite well.

RUMSFELD:
He moves pretty good for a big guy. And he's got a mean right hook.

C-3PO:
Mister bin Laden doesn't look too good.

RUMSFELD:
Yup. That doesn't surprise me. He's been awake for the last three days while agents interrogated him relentlessly.

Lucas is a surprising deft and nimble pugilist. As the bell closes out the opening round bin Laden is bruised and battered, while Lucas is barely winded and has yet to be hit cleanly.

C-3PO:
That seemed to go awfully well for Master Lucas, don't you agree Secretary Rumsfeld?

RUMSFELD:
It did, but old Georgie Boy better remember his contract. Uncle Sam's not paying him to rough up bin Laden. We want one goddamn dead terrorist in that ring before the night is through. The American people deserve it.

C-3PO:
Let's listen in to Master Lucas's corner…

YODA:
Patience. You must have patience.

LUCAS:
He can barely defend himself. I'm going to go in and finish this!

YODA:
Much have you still to learn. Calm… patience… these are the paths that lead to victory.

The bell rings to begin the second round. Both fighters rise.

YODA: Remember what you have learned! Save you it can!

RUMSFELD:
Here we go! Round two!

Osama stays in his corner as Lucas slowly advances toward the center of the ring. Suddenly, he throws down his gloves and pulls out an AK-47 he had concealed in his beard. He shoots Danny Bonaduce three times in the chest, then points the assault rifle right at Lucas.

C-3PO:
He's got a gun! Ohhh, I can't bear to look.

RUMSFELD:
Dammit! Where are those snipers?

There is a series of high-pitched squeals and beeps from somewhere in the audience. Lucas suddenly flips high into the air, removes his gloves, and catches the short cylindrical object that was just launched from the audience in one acrobatic move.

C-3PO It's R2! He's provided Master Lucas with his lightsaber!

Bin Laden begins firing at Lucas, who manages to block each shot with his lightsaber while advancing toward the gun-wielding maniac. Lucas stops just a few feet away from bin Laden, and in one strong motion cuts off the arm attached to the trigger finger. There is a whiff of smoke, and bin Laden howls and falls to the ground in agony.

RUMSFELD:
FINISH HIM!!!!!!!

Lucas hesitates. Bin Laden, still howling, reaches for the gun with his one good arm. Lucas hesitates no longer, and cuts off bin Laden's head with his lightsaber. The crowd bursts into applause.

C-3PO:
I knew Master Lucas would prevail.

RUMSFELD:
This is a great day for America.

Bin Laden's wives enter the ring howling madly. One wife picks up Osama's arm and begins beating George Lucas with it. Another wife picks up bin Laden's head by the beard, and begins to follow suit. The third wife reaches for the gun. In the blink of an eye Lucas jumps into action and slays all three women. He stands in the ring victorious, over the bodies of Osama bin Laden, his three dead wives, and Danny Partridge.

RUMSFELD:
Like I said, a great day for America.


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Copyright©2002 by Matt McCarthy.

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