Unwashed Poems for the
Unwashed Masses

We Should Be Mic’d for This

Epiphanies, pearls, wisdom

raw wisdom

vomiting chunks of raw wisdom

we’re on a fucking roll

look out!

put the kids to sleep

kill your dogs

put on a pot of coffee

and sleep with the neighbor

stock up on canned goods

and birthday candles and jug wine

never trust the mailman

or dental hygienists

or the people

who feed pigeons

or the pigeons

and remember to always

always

always

Jerk Pants

We put on our jerk pants

one jerk at a time

We Piss on Your War on Terror

Stop reading our mail

Deer Breath

I've been eating

venison all day

Not Deer Breath, Beer Breath

Yes

That makes more sense

Beer breath

Twelve beers

in three hours

will do that

to a mouth

smell?

haaaaaaaa

The Ghost of Norman Mailer

is probably declaring himself

the greatest dead American writer

as we speak

Sharpie

you’re always there for us

with your jaunty font

and plastic cap

we love the way you feel

like a pen

but you write like a marker

and permanent!

so permanent

One Hundred Dollars on Drinks

On certain nights

they can be found out on the town

charming the bejesus out of everything

 

One time, one brother got choked by a marine-looking,

best-wrestler-in-high-school kind of guy.

The other brother didn’t see it and was late to the scene.

 

There were no hard feelings though.

When Are You Going to Come Over, Ball Bag?

I’ve got a bunch of beer and wine over here

And when you get here

I’ll call you “scrode sack” and wait for your reaction

Poem for George Bush Jr.

Are you through?

Leave the money

on the dresser

before you go

 

You made America

your little slut

didn’t you

W.?

 

We feel so dirty

The Ass Hole in the Ozone Layer

Gaping wide open

magnificent and enormous

drive a million range rovers

right through that

motherfucker

and go find parking

in hell

Lohan vs. Spears

steel cage

two trashy bitches enter

one trashy bitch leaves

pay-per-view bonanza

Reality TV

And we thought

it couldn’t get any worse

than Two and a Half Men

pointless

worthless

mindless

drivel

shame on you tv

Chicago Transit Authority

What is that smell?

Oh god.

Why?

Super Whiskey Strength

I feel great

I think I’ll have another

I feel classy

I think I’ll have another

I’m hilarious

more whiskey

women love me

bartender?

I feel great, not drunk

another

I could do this all night

give me more

holy shit I’m drunk

I better switch to gin and tonics

Enemies List

1. Oprah’s Book Club

2. Karl Rove

3. Nick Lachey

4. Alan Greenspan

5. The French

6. & 7. (tie) Maury Povich and Emo

8. The Dave Matthews Band

9. The Green Bay Packers

10. wildfires

11. The Olsen Twins

12. Carlo Rossi

13. Peter Travers

14. The Ghost of Norman Mailer

15. Jim Belushi

Tony Romo

Romo, oh Romo

rhymes with homo

We Don’t Believe in Time

When we were older

We hurt our backs

And let our waistlines go

But now that we’re young

We’re mostly out lookin’ for some trim

Quit Your Whining and Shaking, Michael J. Fox

We don’t want to hear

another word

we don’t want to feel

sorry for you

climb into your DeLorean

and head back to 1986

where you belong

McFly

Alt-Country

Try alt-crappy.

Aren’t we through with this yet?

Pete Doherty

Can we borrow

some fucking smack

and some crack?

you limey, rummy, shotty

punk

Nice songs though

Toothache

we hate everything

we hate everything

we hate everything

we hate everything

we hate everything

we hate everything

It’s On

How about

a nice tall glass

of cock punch?

Two Guys in Camel Hair Jackets

One day

the world will feel

our love

and it will be awkward

for everyone

 

we’ve got proposals

for all of you

 

we’ll set up

in the conference room

For Your Eyes Only

Poor, poor

Roger Moore

generally

he’s thought of (if at all)

as the number four Bond

behind Connery

Brosnan

and now the New Guy

 

But hear this, Sir Roger:

we loved you

in For Your Eyes Only.

Best Bond film ever.

Van Halen?

Oh Diamond Dave

those high kicks

ain’t so high

anymore

but you’re still better

than Sammy Hagar

Yeah We’ll Have Another One

Don’t you look down

your nose at us

mister

we can hold our liquor

with both hands

behind our backs

Yeah, we’ll have another one

every time

fuck you