In honor of this issue and its celebration of our shared past, I’m going to tackle a tough task that I’ve put off for more than 12 years now: I’m finally going to type up my transcription of the “Wall.”

For those of you who don’t know me personally, the Wall is a collection of sayings immortalized by markers and masking tape that decorated a college apartment where I lived with three other young women way back in 1991-92. This deserves a bit of an explanation. One morning we all stumbled downstairs to our living area in a somewhat disheveled state, determined to attempt to finish the half keg of beer we still had left from the party the night before. We were surprised to discover a piece of masking tape on the wall above our dining room table that had what appeared to be writing in Japanese on it. None of us knew what it said or what it could mean. But strangely enough, writing our thoughts and sayings (sometimes deep, but usually just obnoxious) on pieces of masking tape and putting them up on the wall of our apartment became a tradition with us, and soon we had a whole wall covered with sticky scribbles.

(By the way, we eventually discovered that the original mysterious masking tape message was left by a friend named Karate Joe who happened to speak Japanese and who had a Japanese girlfriend. It read, “Because I love you, I want to eat you.” But we didn’t discover this for some time afterward.)

I was very upset by the Wall’s potential demise when we inevitably moved and went our separate ways, so I handwrote all of the sayings in a notebook as we removed the pieces of tape from their home, and now I’ve finally transcribed them all here. Some of them are inside jokes that you may not understand. There was also a period of time when we pretty much let anyone who came over write anything they wanted, so some of them mean nothing to me—but I still have high hopes that this collection will be somewhat amusing to all.

There’s one other thing I have to make clear. I restrained my urge to make comments or edit this piece. All of this is as it was. But we have evolved since then quite a bit. We’re all somewhat happy now, most of us married, and things random people put on the wall are not necessarily the same as things we do, or even did then! Also, many of these saying aren’t in their proper context here, and some of them were inspired by TV, movies, and songs and don’t have much to do with us at all. Finally, many of these things were said innocently, despite their scandalous content…really!

So with no further ado, here goes:

House o’ Hos!—It pleases us to please you!

Chris we don’t care

Me thinks she doth protest too much (Chris)

We are tigresses in a jungle o’ men

Not ALL things are proportional

I don’t care about you FUCK YOU

We’re desparate—get used to it

Don’t worry, kid. Madonna takes shits too! (from the crook-toothed man of my dream)

Phallically speaking, no one fits my jiggle right now

So it was written, so it shall be done

What’s gotten in to all the women around here? IT’S SPRING

It’s Definitely spring (a man)

You don’t like me the same way that dogs like hamburger. Admit it.

Lots of things remind me of ex-boyfriends - It sucks!

To know death, you have to fuck life in the gall bladder

But how can we have a relationship if you move away and leave no forwarding address?

Water is the body’s friend.

I washed ALL my sheets … You never know, they might see some ACTION

It doesn’t work, somebody chewed on it

Okay, let’s make it convenient for the bastard!

He had the little head removed because he was making the mistake a lot of guys make—he was letting his little head make all the decisions for his big head.

The driveway doesn’t go all the way to the house.

GOOD LORD

I did it all for … THRILLS

The things I like, I like a lot

I said, we’ll grill him later, I mean the chicken

Fine, get me all hot and bothered

I don’t know … today I feel like the rest of the world jumped ahead an hour

Elvis has left the building

Have you been CHOMPED lately?

My penis and I are going to the hospital

Tittie corn!

I’m drunk and everyone is being friendly.

If you don’t live here and you’re not sleeping with someone who lives here—LEAVE!

Where are you? I’M IN HELL!

Knock before entering

One of these days, I’m going to cut you into little pieces

It didn’t hurt

I like ‘em Big and Stupid

This toenail is harder than a ginzu

Cuff me Ghandi!

Bed him then wed him—NOT!

Blythe is rakin’ in the greenery

Jenn, It’s Sean, not Shawn!

I’ll always remember you as the guy who gave me my first Burrito

Chris is the GODESS of SPEED

I prefer a GODDESS who can spell

It was Judd!

It’s a concept

When did you become Cokehead whores?

Why do men like Oriental women?

Where do I get a pole, and does it matter how long it is?

Your mother never wanted you

Never follow someone who says he’s going to talk with lizards

Her right leg was Easter and her left leg was Christmas. I want to spend time between the holidays.

The fulfilling of a dream is PART of it.

I like my women the way I like my coffee—black and strong

FSRPOUSA!

The better you look, the more you see

I could rock your world, but you wouldn’t be able to handle it

Gimme that—it’s satiating my oral fixation

Do you dress left or right

You’ve got it all and I want a piece of it

Are you getting a piece?

My parents are slightly screwy

I’ve don’t it before—Thank you!

I’ve done it before—Thank you!

Bravo… . Chris (Beatles extracted)

Well, we can’t play any instruments … We’re gonna have live sex acts ON STAGE!

Sham MOO!

No seriously, we got the hotel room for the BIBLE

If birth control worked, YOU WOULDN’T BE HERE

None of that cuntal attitude

And don’t forget the CHAOS!

Damn skippy!

Are possums marsupials or rodents? DAMN! It wasn’t a MISCARRIAGE!

What I want just left

Put out or Get out

Steve: I’m bored, let’s hit the Caligula Club

Love is not blind, it’s selectively nearsighted.

Ooh, Random animal violence in our backyard

Is it hot in here or is it just me?

Better one night than one minute

Happiness is a Warm Gun

Tequila is good for you—NOT

If this is paradise, I wish I had a lawnmower

Sorrow floats

Did I mention I have a penis?

moon in the blue sky

MMM … Vodka ee

The few, the proud, the suckers.

Shit or get off the pot!

Do you ever have that dream that you’re standing on a pyramid dressed in Sun God robes while thousands of naked women throw little pickles at you? … Why am I the only one who has that dream?

She dances like a spider, fed from webs of vein tangling my tingling body in this bed where we have lain. and she sees everything, and she drinks all she can see and I can’t flee to get the rub of FEMININE MAJESTY

It’s all fun and games until someone gets their eye poked out!

At my school, we grade people on how they read poetry—that’s like grading people on how they FUCK, BUT WE DO IT!

He’s gonna fuck you fuck you fuck you one and all

B’s too cool and Judd is scum

Even shit is an aquired taste if you eat enough of it

I know they want it anyway, so I just give it away freely

There was a band playin’ in my head and I felt like getting high

She said she loved me, then she died

The things we do for the men we want to boff!

Yeah like your shit don’t stink

Wake me when it’s over

Does the coffee of the day change?

T: What are we listening to? Z: Incense burning man-fucking music.

I don’t do … THAT!

Horny-Porny Whoremongers

Just because I touched something doesn’t mean I want it.

Okay, I guess I’ll pull something out

I know who wrote the book of love. It was an idiot. it was a fool. a slobbering fool with a speech defect and a shaking hand. and he wrote my name next to yours.

The problem with men is that they don’t have any innermost thoughts or feelings

The problem is just that you don’t care to listen.

Breasts. More than a handful is wasteful and you don’t want anyone to sprain their thumbs.

I don’t always get what I want. I don’t always get what I need. But at least I don’t get what I deserve!

I spend a third of my life asleep, but half of it in dreams.

Curiosity killed the cat?

Doy girls o’ the world must unite!

Getting what you want means having what you once wanted

I don’t drink water, ever since I found out fish have sex in it

But can you guarantee it’ll be good? Only with a credit card.

Bloody Hell!!

Heineken? Fuck that shit! Pabst Blue Ribbon

Whoever has the most when he dies WINS!

Those whom the gods wish to destroy, they first call PROMISING.

Cuff me, Frisk me, Make me squeal

Soon, Real soon.

I’m a sensitive guy—I smoke Camel Lights

Let’s do the bathroom THANG

I want to write something, but I can’t think of anything to say.

I’d cut it off, but that would be rude.

What’s a bed breaker? I mean a bread baker.

When the mouse eats the stone pot, the pumpkin skin gets alarmed

Do your worst

Behind every GREAT man is a GREAT ASS!

I’ve talked to your old girlfriends and they said you’re bad.

A day for fun and jollity—good for all frivolity—IN BED

TRY ME!

We had a relationship—for an hour.

Wow—what the hell!

Is Baby Dave on solid food yet?

You make me feel so ICKY

And My God, we never stopped!

I’m not fucking around here Jenn!

That dude—I don’t know—Clifford—something with a C

Man, I’d never pierce my scrotum.

Because I love you, I want to eat you.

I ate it and then I spit it out.

She should be shark bait in the Great Barrier Reef … or Speed Bump on I-57

If they’re in my bed, I’m gonna shoot ‘em!

Then call me Mrs. Scum

It’s a Ho thing

I’d drop out of society, live in a closet, and kill myself … but I’m too CURIOUS

Romance is like horror, Leave as much up to the victims imagination as possible.

Pretzel? We have six pounds!

I know what I’d rather have 2-3 bags of

There ISN’T any regular FROSH

There is a reason they call them indulgences, Wench!!

I like ‘em young!

I like ‘em old!

The road (path) of excess leads to the palace (tower) of wisdom

Guy: I know your feet must really hurt. Girl: Why is that? Guy: Because you’ve been running through my mind all night! (Punchline to Bazooka Joe comic)

doy!

We are all craftmatic adjustable girls

Man, I need a stiff one—drink that is.

I like my women married, my wine strong and my self control weak

I want that, I want that bad.

I am not a vampire. I have just acquired a liking for the taste of blood and have adopted a nocturnal lifestyle

Bigamy is 1 man too many and monogamy is the same

The younger the cleaner “Gettin’ old ladies?”

I AM going to my 8:00

Barbie Dolls Parachuting off My Penis

Where the HELL am I?

When we woke up, All we could remember was the pain

I want to NAIL SOMETHING to the wall

I’d lick him somewhere more INTERESTING then

Reality used to be a friend of mine

Don’t worry, be decadant

I’m a lot o’ woman

I don’t spit or swallow—I GARGLE!

Any woman who doesn’t want me is a dyke!

I am the killer of people and you look like a meatball.

Down by the river; shot my baby.

CRACK MONSTERS!

Friendships are like the morning dew—some of it lands on roses and some of it lands on dog shit

Catch me when I’m SOBER!

I have this habit of repelling the people I’m trying to seduce.

A cynic knows the price of everything, the value of nothing.

Lots of irrepairable brain damage

It’s Repulsive. It’s sick … It’s real!!

You look like a smurf on the inside.

When I fancy people I sleep with them

It can’t be that BIG!

Strange things happen when people get naked and horizontal

We need a God with a longer attention span.

How could you believe me when I said I loved you when you know I’ve been a liar all my life

Women fuck who they love, and men love to fuck

All these girls he goes around with now—they’re just younger versions of not me

The more people we kill in this war, the more the economy will prosper

Helen Keller lives

I’ve never had sex with a sleeping person before

The way your head works is God’s own private mystery

He wasn’t a Man … He was a way of life

Doin’ the BUTT THANG

I also hate dutch paintings, penis-sucking, parties and cold rainy weather (Anais Nin)

Semen Belching Skank

The best way to live long is not to die

He just gets Red and Friendly

Do you know the difference between sex and talking? Well, come upstairs, I want to talk to you!

Sometimes, I think men only have two emotions, I LOVE YOU and I’M SORRY.

My dad said “Give it the old college try!” So I went out and got drunk first then I passed out—told him I’d do it in the morning.

Sucking wood is kind of fun.

This is scary—He really thinks he’s a stud!

All I know is that there’s a lot of fucking going on in September

She’s got a tongue like an electric eel and she likes the taste of a man’s tonsils.

I think of myself as a sensitive, intelligent human being with the soul of a clown which forces me to blow it at the wrong times.

The truth is, sometimes having a psychotic episode can add some clarity to the world

If it swells, ride it! (Waves, you pervert!)

Come sit on my thingy

I don’t have any more pop and I have to pee … THIS SUCKS!

As much as I don’t want to be me, I’d rather be me than you!

Paul has his own Cigarettes WOW!!

The only thing that saved me from being a total slut was marrying early

Up until yesterday, I was totally ignorant

Then again, do I want to fuck you AGAIN?

He’s not that smart, he just wants to abuse my back.

If we didn’t have a commandment that said we couldn’t do it, we wouldn’t want to

It doesn’t mean that much to me to mean that much to you

It started out as a joke, but it has become a reality

Dating is like the lottery—You know you won’t win, but you keep buying tickets ANYWAY!

April is the cruelest month

Does anyone want to get platonically naked with me

The road to success is under construction

Unfortunately, any brain cells I might have had are long gone through years of neglect and decay

How stupid could I be? I don’t know—we never pushed you to your full capacity!

You wanna throw hands with me—is that what this is about

Pouty baby

To get ahead, you have to give a head

Who cares? He’s a MAN!!!

I will work my hands raw for you

What’s with this Disco-Bandage Head Gear???

Don’t waste your time thinking about it, Just Do IT

Totally fluid stained sex

Please, don’t take me seriously

Sex on Wheels

I am not a number! I am a free man!

No, You’re wrong Carter. FUCK YOU!

What am I doing here and how do I get home

No Promises. No Guarantees!

The wine of desire was in her veins. Sorry, it was just Ernest and Julio.

Who is this person inside my skin

I’d rather die on my feet than live on my knees

Men are transient things.

By the way Mom, I’m drunk and I can’t get laid

I’m off like a prom dress—(or a whore’s panties)

When it rains—It POURS!

How can truth stand? It doesn’t have any legs

The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction

I keep forgetting that college and reality are incompatible

Let the games begin

I bet you think I never climax and you can make me

To make love, I have to be in love—NOT

Yeah, but I don’t know if I want to do it while I’m sober

I need soem soap to wash away my sins and my outer layer of skin

Oh true Apothecary thy drugs are quick, Thus with a kiss, I die

Yo Bitch—I didn’t know Yo Ass from Adam or your Summer’s Eve, Yo Booty

Genius is an exaggeration of dimension. So is elephantitus. Both may be only a disease. (AYN RAND—the Fountainhead)

You would keep your virginity? What will it profit you? You will find no lover in Hades, girl. It is among the living that we taste the joys of Kyprfi. In Acheron child, we shall be only bones and dust. (Asclepiades)

Horses are only marsupials, but cats are the air fresheners of the world

When we realized that space on the dedicated wall was getting scarce, we titled the opposite wall “The Running Wall of Flowing Tears and Lost Hope,” and kept on going.

Women only like me for my mind

I cannot bring myself to accept the Blind Faith light

Life’s a Series of Mistakes

I want to try … but I can’t

I am a suicide whose only weapon is a Butter Knife

Yet all my beliefs grow weaker daily as I hide in the Shadows

Why is it that we never recognize the moment love begins, but we always know when it ends?

You’re happy when you’re young because you don’t know any better

You stupid bitch, you fickle shit, you will spit on me, you will make me spit

I’d rather be Noone with Someone than No one

Sometimes it’s hard to avoid the happiness of others

The deliberate termination of my day is suicide. When I kill my moods, I kill them dead.

I’ve been contemplating suicide, but it really doesn’t suit my style.

I came home to find my roomate hates me

And do you remember when too much time was mine

I give up

I chose an eternity of this

Without the dagger that stabs my heart, you could not have a piece of my soul

To those who think, life is a comedy—to those who feel, a tragedy … and then Lot asked: and what if, in the whole city, I can only find one good man? and the Lord answered him saying: shall not the God of all the earth do right?