We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming for this important announcement from the President of the United States…
My fellow Americans. Good evening and God bless you all.
Tonight I come before you, the American people, to say that unless something is done immediately to correct a horrible problem in this country, by the year 2041 nearly two-thirds of all Americans who die could be going straight to hell.
How can this be possible? Well, I’m a plainspoken man and I’m going to tell you plainly, America. We live in a society where activist judges are allowing homosexuals to marry, directly attacking the very sanctity of the institution of marriage. We live in a society where renegade doctors want to harvest embryonic stem cells in the name of science. We live in a society where school systems have to battle wild-eyed activist groups tooth-and-nail just to teach their children a more Christian alternative to the questions surrounding the creation of life than those theories of Charlie Darwin.
These are the Weapons of Mass Damnation.
Why, just last week I was at a town hall meeting in Butte, Montana, and a little lady there named Enola Weathersby, 86 years young, came right up to me and asked, “Mr. President, why can’t you do anything about these kids today? They’re a godless, sinful generation, and they don’t know their Bible or their manners.”
I think a lot of Americans feel like Enola. For her, and for many other folks out there across this great nation, a projected 66% damnation rate in 35 years is just plain unacceptable. It’s unacceptable to the moms and dads in this country who don’t want to think about their children having to endure the eternity of fiery tortures and unspeakable miseries awaiting them in Lucifer’s darkest pits.
It’s unacceptable to me, and it’s unacceptable to those in this administration. I mean, let’s try to keep things in perspective here. Problems like Social Security and the war in Iraq only affect us for a short time here on Earth. Damnation affects us for all eternity.
It’s hard, America. Hard work. The battle for this country’s soul is demanding and it is hard. But I want to assure people everywhere that I am prepared and ready to meet this challenge head-on.
Since the very first day I took office my scholars and scientists have been working day and night on a solution to the problems of godlessness and moral depravity, which we feel are directly related to the increase in the damnation rate. And, after exhaustive study, we feel the answer to this dilemma can be boiled down to two words:
That’s right. The Lord, ladies and gentlemen. We shall find our salvation in the Lord.
Phase One of what I like to call “Operation Holy Steam Roller” is now nearly complete. This has consisted of a gentle but continued and systematic breaching of the wall that separates the Church from the State: We’re fighting to allow the Intelligent Design theory of the creation of life to be taught in our schools; we’re packing the courts with judges who know their Scriptures as well as they know their Constitution; we’re taking steps to protect the sanctity of marriage between a man and a woman.
These are meaningful steps, people. Brick by brick, hand in hand with the Lord, we are tearing that wall down. And now, I’m happy to announce, it’s time to begin Phase Two of “Operation Holy Steam Roller.”
We decided we need a more real, hands-on way to effect the type of changes we’re looking for here. We need to fight this fight on the ground, to get into the trenches and take on the forces of heathenism with all our might. We put America’s top scientists and leaders in technology from the military, government, and the private sector on the job, and they came up with some exciting possibilities.
At first we were thinking an army of midget Jesuses, to swarm the country and overwhelm godlessness in the dark corners and alleyways where it hides. But, in the end, after carefully weighing all our options, we decided one giant Super Christ was more cost effective, and more importantly, more in keeping with America’s tradition of doing things big.
I am from Texas, after all.
Our biologically engineered Super Christ is 50 stories tall. Modeled after Leonardo Da Vinci’s Jesus from The Last Supper, He’s been endowed with all the traits we feel today’s giant Jesus would need in the modern world, but He still has those old-world biblical sensibilities we love. His mission is clear. Go forth. Spread the word of the Lord. Do the work of the Lord. Stamp out godlessness. Seek out the Weapons of Mass Damnation and disarm them. Help us make this country a land of which the voters who elected this administration can be proud.
You’re either with Jesus or you’re against us.
Goodnight, America. And God bless us everyone.
The Republicans’ gigantic biologically engineered Super Christ begins His journey in the President’s home state of Texas, where He was created. Marching north through the heart of the American South, this 50-story Jesus is, not surprisingly, greeted enthusiastically in these regions. Adoring Southern crowds show up to hear His booming voice (with a slight Southern drawl) as He addresses the multitudes over an expanse of miles. They weep with joy and shout “Amen! Amen!” as He preaches a gospel of, among other things, fiscal conservativism, heterosexuality, tax breaks for the wealthy, Social Security privatization, and energy independence. They line up thousands at a time to touch the hem of His enormous garment as He proclaims both birth control and abortion sins. Fanatical crowds of Christians follow Him from town to town and cheer as He heals the insured and teaches big business how to shelter money from taxation.
The towering Republican Christ continues to pick up steam throughout the South and up into the lower Midwest, whipping those areas of the country into a high holy frenzy. Everything seems to be going smoothly for the giant Jesus until He hits Chicago, a city well known to be a haven for liberal sinners and a harborer of Weapons of Mass Damnation.
From Chopper 8…
This is Bill O’Mally reporting high above the chaos and pandemonium that has enveloped the city since the Mayor rejected the giant Christ’s terms for complete moral surrender. As you can see far below me (can we get a shot of that?), the enormous Republican Super Christ has cut a wide swath of destruction through the heart of the city. You can see the smoke stretching all the way to the horizon.
He’s crossing into Wicker Park now, His white robes, streaked with smoke and soot, flowing dramatically behind him, Democrats fleeing in terror before Him. Oh, god, it’s awful. Wrecked cars beneath His massive sandals, He’s knocking entire buildings over with a single blow from His holy, vengeful fists. The earth shakes with each step.
The efforts of local police and National Guard units have, up to this point, done little to slow the highly destructive rampage of this Super Christ. Some units have been reluctant to fire on this incarnation of what they believe to be their lord and savior, and those who do fire have seen their bullets bounce harmlessly off His strong, thick, blessed skin.
At this point He seems to be heading southeast, toward downtown. If you’re anywhere near the downtown area we recommend you evacuate immediately. He—oh god, there goes the old Goldblatt’s building (get a shot of that!). You can see there He just karate-chopped it right over. The whole block has been reduced to nothing but a pile of bricks.
Ok. I’m getting word we’re going to go live now to the Mayor.
The Mayor speaks…
Please, everyone, quiet down. Ok. First off, let me say if you are anywhere within the Chicago metropolitan area we recommend you evacuate immediately. Please do so in a calm and orderly manner and follow the orders of evacuation officials.
Now. I would like to publicly call on the President and Congress to immediately restrain this giant Jesus by whatever force necessary and send all possible aid to Chicago. We are under an unprecedented attack by forces set against us from within our own government. We don’t have a problem with Jesus, but the terrible, perverted monstrosity this administration has set loose bears no resemblance to the actual Jesus, and even if it did, it has no place in our government or in the lives of those who do not want it.
We do not want your bullying brand of religion, Mr. President. While your administration has endowed this biologically engineered Christ monster with certain Old Testament traits that fit your particular agenda, you have ignored traits like charity, benevolence, tolerance, wisdom, mercy, restraint, love… these are the moral values we embrace.
We will not allow this administration to dictate our beliefs and our values. We will not surrender when faced with the wrath of the enormous Jesus they have created to do their dirty work. We will fight.
Ladies and Gentleman, the President of the United States…
My fellow Americans.
I know there are those of you who may be troubled by what you have seen in Chicago these past few days. It’s troubling for all of us when we see an enormous, biologically engineered super deity lay waste to a heavily populated urban area. I recognize that. I know people are hurting, and upset, and confused. That’s natural.
Let me set the record straight and tell you all exactly what happened in Chicago. What you had there in the Windy City was a group of folks who thought they didn’t need to cooperate with the collective will of the government and of the Lord. A collection of liberal, atheist activists, who refused to lay down their Weapons of Mass Damnation at the size 1500 feet of the Lord Jesus Christ.
We have made it clear, to America and to the rest of the world, that we will seek out and disarm these WMDs wherever they hide. We are fighting for the soul of the nation, and it’s a fight we aim to win. You’re either with Jesus or you’re against us.
I’m a blunt guy, ladies and gentlemen. Some people don’t like that about me. Ya know what else? Jesus is a blunt guy. And He’s enormous. Some people back there in Chicago didn’t like that. Those folks wanted to continue their sinful, godless ways, unchecked and unabated. They wanted to continue to produce WMDs and they refused to give them unto the Lord. But the Lord would not take no for an answer.
Our intelligence tells us that those who survived the Lord’s vengeance in Chicago are retreating east toward New York City… the godless capital of the devil’s liberal universe. Our gigantic Jesus is in hot pursuit of these rebel sinners. He will exert his will upon them, and then he will turn his divine sights toward New York City and demand total moral surrender of that city’s residents. If they fail to cooperate, and fail to turn over what our intelligence agencies assure us is one of the largest caches of Weapons of Mass Damnation on the globe, they will suffer the wrath of the Super Christ.
To help Jesus in his mission, I am pleased to make public now a new asset in our war against godlessness.
The same group of scientists who brought America the giant Jesus has been hard at work in their huge laboratories (it’s hard work). With a mindful eye toward the history of giants in this nation, they have developed an exciting and innovative new ally for our long, tall Lord…
The following is a live report from MSNBACS’s Tom Franklin, embedded in the field with the 77th Brooklyn Freedom Thunder Division…
You can feel the earth shaking beneath as they approach. The men and women entrenched here in the field, a dedicated and hearty mix of volunteers and municipal workers, are tense and nearly silent with anticipation.
There! Across the river… you can just begin to see the enormous, pale blue outline of Babe, the biologically engineered super ox, clouds of steam billowing in snorts from his cavernous nostrils… the giant Jesus is sure to be right behind him. That’s been this Christ’s strategy ever since Babe was activated—He sends the ox in first to trample down resistance, then He follows to render judgment.
Though some were initially puzzled by the pairing, it’s easy to see now why the President chose this particular fictional ox to accompany the enormous Christ on His mission… Babe is as absolutely magnificent as he is terrifying. You can see his massive head shaking to and fro as he approaches, tossing his tremendous, razor-sharp horns wildly through the air… and steeped in the middle-American lore as he is, it’s been hard for the heartland not to like him. It’s Babe the Blue Ox… who doesn’t like Babe?
I mean, except for all the recent horror and killing.
Ok (yes, I see it!). You can begin to see the outline of the President’s giant Christ emerging behind Babe… about two o’clock in the distance, above and behind the ox’s right flank. You can just make out His beard through the smoke.
Marching toward us, this gigantic, deadly treasure of American folklore followed by the awesome perversion of the Christian Jesus, they appear all but invincible to our rag-tag band of freedom-of-religion fighters. Jesus’ magnificent biceps glisten in the morning sun, Babe froths at the mouth in anticipation of the violence… they are truly a terrible sight to behold.
We’re being told we have to move back now… they’re getting ready for the oncoming assault, which will no doubt be relentless and merciless.
I would say pray for us, but somehow that doesn’t seem appropriate.
No matter what happens here in New York City, you can be assured the fight will rage on. There will always be Americans who will fight against a government that has lost its senses and its humanity. A government that oversteps its bounds and tramples the liberties it is supposed to protect.
Ok. We have to pull back now. It’s starting. Good luck, America. And keep fighting.
Copyright 2005, Matt McCarthy
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