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The Farm

The Bible, Beanstalks, and Pure NO2:
The reason why productivity was down for the fourth quarter of 2000


An email exchange between Chris Kowalski, Joe Martinez, and Geary Yonker

Journey Under The Sea I heard on NPR this morning that they found an ancient city about 7000 years old at 300 feet deep in the Black Sea. Fueling speculation that the great flood was an actual historical event when the glacial melting from the last ice age caused the waters in the Mediterranean to rise, eventually cutting a channel and flooding the lower lying Black Sea. They have an earlier shoreline identified at 500 feet. Joe, I think the Turks need us. "But Musef, where can we find divers able to handle the massive amounts of nitrogen at that depth. The sort of person we're looking for could only be described as someone who really has it in for his brain. They're diving with one tank of air and another of pure NO2."

Kowalski

This is in fact tied to a lot of other underwater sites around the world, although I know of none so deep as 300. The flood is common to all the cultural traditions of Asia Minor, so there may be a point ... there's some weird shit off the Japanese coast too, an alleged complex 50 or so feet down. Interesting stuff.

joe

Of course the great flood happened. It talks about it in the Bible. Hello!

geary

Okay, here's the scenario. You're working on your farm one day when you hear a thunderous roar. Looking up you might notice a 300 foot wall of water rushing across the plains, destroying everything in its path. Your resources are an ox, a plow, a bag of seeds, and some stone-age tools nearby. Think quickly now MacGyver, because my question to you is: What Would Jesus Do?

Kowalski

I would plant the seeds in the ground then sacrifice the ox in the name of Yahweh. A giant beanstalk would then grow from the ground 301 feet tall. I'm not sure how many cubits that would be, but I think it's a lot. I would then use my tools to make a raft out of my plow and set sail for Mt. Sinai or Wilmont Mt., whatever came first.

geary

Yahweh respects your sacrifice and a giant beanstalk emerges from the ground. Scrambling quickly up the still sprouting leaves, you manage to lift yourself above the impending deluge even as the waters break about your ankles. Propelled by adrenaline, you continue climbing well up into the clouds until you see, much to your surprise, a castle. The clouds appear to offer some stable support as you gingerly step off the beanstalk, and as you begin to explore your surroundings, you become aware of a faint rumbling coming from the giant castle. You might be mistaken, but it could be snoring.

If you want to explore the castle ... turn to page 65.

If you want to climb back down the beanstalk to see if the waters have receded ... turn to page 103.

Kowalski

Shhh! Don't let 'em know how many of those books you read! … but I can't resist (turn to 65).

joe

You approach the castle. As the clouds part you feel the damp mist of the ether give way to cold flagstone beneath your feet. A wondrous spectacle befalls you. A huge table with goblets taller than you and a monstrous giant asleep at the table with what appears to be an elephant-kabob still dangling in his right hand. You approach. Silently sneaking around. Sure that no one is watching, confident that you are unobserved. When suddenly you hear a loud booming voice behind you that sends your blood running cold and makes all the hairs stand up straight:

"NOOOO PERSONAL E-MAILS ON COMPANY TIME KOWALSKI!!!!! GET BACK TO WORK YOU!!!"

If you would like to try another choose-your-own-adventure, please try these other books: Napping in the Bathroom, Hung Over for My Review Session, or, I Think I'll Just Wander Around for a While.

Kowalski

Are those from same line of books as: Encyclopedia Brown and the Mystery of How I Can Still Be Drunk The Next Day, and, Nancy Drew and The Mysterious Swelling?

g.





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Copyright©2001 by Chris Kowalski, Joe Martinez, and Geary Yonker.

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