Heather Egland

“I figure if you can't change who you are then you might as well change the world, right?” Ms. Egland is the co-founder of the Secret Order of the Shaking Fist. She is currently bringing down the system via passive aggression.More by Heather Egland

Henry Kastler

Henry Kastler is some guy who does stuff. His current interests arestrumming and screenplays, with an eye on standup comedy and coding inJava. In his spare time he likes to wonder why if he's so smart, whyisn't he richer, and, why does he have to work so hard, and, who was/isthe Phantom Menace? His dislikes include phonies and “Best Of” compilation albums. He likes Julius Meinl coffee, Jameson whiskey, cuddling, and walks alongthe beach at sunset.More by Henry Kastler

Kevin P. Keating

Kevin P. Keating, in a co(s)mic adventure to attain total enlightenment, has undergone innumerable incarnations as insect, beast, man, and god, although the only former life he can recall with any clarity is that of a medieval monk, a humble and satisfying existence in which he toiled away in the chiaroscuro gloom of a scriptorium somewhere in the Belgian countryside, copying the tragic plays of Euripides and the Meditations of Marcus Aurelius. Surely this accounts for his peculiar obsession with premium Belgian ales and his endless fascination with classical literature. Currently, he lives a lavish lifestyle as an instructor of English at a Cleveland area college and tends to alternately write and procrastinate about writing in great marathon stretches of time. His favorite color? Periwinkle. His favorite author? Jose Saramago.More by Kevin P. Keating

Joe Martinez

Joe Martinez was a gibbon in a former incarnation.Currently he is a 31-year-old ne’er-do-well witha penchant for ranting, raving, and otherwise being righteouslyindignant. Born property of the US Army, he has always chafedat the constraints of society and yearned to return to an arboreallife in the jungles of Southeast Asia. He is the father of a10-year-old, who is rapidly approaching the point where she nolonger wants to be seen with him. Appraisals of his characterare mixed, ranging from mildly positive (“He’sOK”) to damning (“That guy’s an insufferable jerk!”).Joe is holding out that age will bring wisdom, andwisdom, peace of mind. An expert at squandering opportunity,he is available to consult on all your failure-relatedneeds for an exorbitant fee.More by Joe Martinez

Denise Pace

Denise Pace is a hairless monkey frequently and infuriatingly thwarted by everyday things, like ottomans and gravity. She communicates largely by cussing and quoting The Simpsons. Yet, possessing a high level of derring-do, she perseveres.More by Denise Pace

Patrick Russell

Born amongst the corn cousins, Elmers, and strip-mall baronsof Indiana, Patrick learned early on in life that something wasrotten in Denmark. After mailing many, many postcards to variousaddresses in the greater Copenhagen area asking after the sourceof the stench, and after receiving no replies to his repeatedqueries, he became convinced that it must be the mayonnaise.More by Patrick Russell

Steve Spaulding

Steve Spaulding believes he will have another pull on the whisky bottle, thank you very much — and would there be a spare beer in the fridge? ‘Cause that would be great. He is also a bit deaf in one ear so would you mind speaking up? And don’t hold it against him that he doesn’t remember you; while he can remember obscure characters in movies and comic books on only a single exposure, real people are like the flitting shadows of a strobe-lit room to him. Steve considers it a downright miracle he has lasted as long as he has in such a cruel and unforgiving world and thanks his lucky stars for every breath he draws, and for all the good friends he’s made. Steve wonders what God was thinking, where the surplus went, whether there’s a spare beer in the fridge, and did he already ask that? Because his short-term memory is sort of on the fritz these days.More by Steve Spaulding

Geary Yonker

Geary Yonker’s deep-seeded fear of death really keeps him busy.It is not so much a fear of dying as it is a fear of dying without havingaccomplished anything in his life. He attributes this fear to having beentold he was special too many times when he was a kid. The problem startedwhen he began to believe it. This complex has had many manifestations.Originally it served as a defense mechanism when he was an overweightchild. When he got a little older it served as great excuse for coastingthrough high school and college. In 1997, Year 27 of the Great Coasting,he started inviting his friends to an abandoned dairy farm that his familyinherited from a great uncle. Nobody is exactly sure how or why but he isconvinced that this changed his life and gave him some direction. Theactual directions to “The fARM” that he gave his friends ledthem up interstates, up county highways, and eventually onto gravel roads.After every turn the partygoers were urged to “keepgoing” (betyou thought that we were just ripping off Since then“The fARM” has spawned an annual charity event, three mediocrebands, and this ever-evolving website.More by Geary Yonker

Christina O'Brien

Matt Sharkey

Geary Yonker

Submission Guidelines is published quarterly, on the first day of each season. In fact, we control the seasons. If we hadn't published a Spring issue this year there would never have been a thaw, and the world would now be enveloped in perpetual winter, practically another Ice Age.

Obviously, this is an awesome responsibility.

If you would like to play god with us, as well as see your original fiction, nonfiction, poetry, photography, or music published by this quarterly, there may be hope for you. We do consider unsolicited material for publication. We read every submission with varying degrees of interest and attention and publish those which seem best to us at the time. We won't publish your stuff if it sucks, unless you know someone on staff.

The submission deadline for each issue is as follows:

Spring: February 21
Summer: May 21
Fall: August 21
Winter: November 21

Submissions received after the deadline for a particular issue will not be considered for that issue. That's why they're called deadlines, dummy.

Email your submission to Include "submission" in the subject line of your email, and include the title of your submission and your name in the body of the email so we don't mistake it for one of the many angry emails we receive from attorneys and immediately discard it.

We ask that you send your submission as an attached file. That's not too much to ask, is it? Please do not attach files larger than 1 MB to your email—don't even try it. For fiction, nonfiction, and poetry submissions we prefer the file to be in Microsoft Word, but we are usually clever enough to work with other word-processing programs.

If your file is not readable, we will return it to you to be resubmitted if the mood so strikes us on that particular day.

Please don't send us a deluge. Save stuff for later issues. Try to limit yourself to no more than one story or three poems. We also encourage you to submit graphics (making sure to credit the artist or site from which you blatantly stole your image) to accompany your story or poems, but remember, we don't want email attachments larger than 1 MB. If you do not send a graphic to accompany your submission, no complaints will be heard about the one we choose for you.

We don't want any trouble. We will not consider simultaneous submissions or material that has been published anywhere else, not even in your crappy, semi-subversive, high-school underground newsletter. We are a non-paying publisher (unless you count all of the good karma and warm feelings your submission will undoubtedly garner you). Copyright belongs to you (the author or artist) after publication, because, quite frankly, what are we gonna do with it?

We do our best to respond to all submissions, but be aware that we are sometimes inundated and other times lazy. If you have not heard back from us after three weeks, please assume that we will not be able to use your submission. We are not responsible for the return or loss of submissions, or much else for that matter.

Permission for Use of Material

We welcome requests for reuse of material. If you would like to reprint or otherwise pilfer material published in, please make sure to email Please include the issue number, the name of the author or artist, and information about how you would like to use the material.

Letters to the Editor

We welcome letters from our readers and other crackpots about material published in, but not from angry lawyers. Please submit mail for our Letters column to For your letter to be considered, you must include your phone number and postal address, but we will not publish this information. We promise.

Feedback and Queries

We welcome feedback on how lovely our web site is and how easy it is to navigate. We also welcome queries about who we are and what the hell we're doing. Please submit feedback and queries to Somebody on our staff will probably get back to you if they can tear themselves away from writing stupid bits of nonsense like this.

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher.