Form Letters

By Heather Egland and Matt McCarthy

The level of discourse in the country has reached a crossroads. Television, mass media consolidation, video games, the ridiculous public stammerings and grunts that pass as declarations from our president, broken homes, emoticons, lack of funding in public schools, the NBA, the Justice Department, Jessica Simpson’s homely little sister lip-synching on Saturday Night Live—all, to varying degrees, are working toward the same goal. The destruction of imagination, thought, meaning, intelligence, and individuality in communication.

We’ve been fighting this, some of us, in our own small ways. But how do you combat the combined might of television, George Bush, and Jessica Simpson’s sister? The plain, Texas truth of the matter is, you don’t. You give up.

So, in a conciliatory gesture to these forces, and as a service to our readers, we have decided to make available for public use:

FORM LETTERS

What a perfect shortcut to having to think for yourself. What a lovely way to conform and communicate with a minimum amount of effort and imagination.

We hope you find these letters useful and delicious.

Form Letter of Resignation

It is with the greatest
sorrow
elation
that I announce my resignation from your
employ.
circle of Hell.
Thank you for the opportunity to work amongst the
inept
brightest in our field
in an atmosphere of
creativity.
indentured servitude.
My sincerest wish is that we
remain in contact.
burn this motherfucking bridge.

Form Love Letter

Dearest ,

I’ve been thinking about you virtually non-stop since we last saw each other. I am overflowing with
love
lust
for you. Every moment apart from you is
agonizing.
spent touching myself while thinking of you.
I can’t wait to
see
fuck
you again,
dearest .
baby.

Form Letter Explaining You Only Like Someone as a Friend

Dear ,

I was absolutely
flattered
aghast
to learn about your feelings for me. You are a
wonderful
strange
person with a lot of
wonderful
unique
qualities to offer. Though I am
tempted
disgusted
by your revelation, I feel like we should not take our relationship beyond
friendship.
a potential late-night sweaty drunk fuck that I will wind up regretting.
I hope you understand.

Form Dear John Letter

:

As it turns out, we are not a good match. In an effort to
remain proactive in endeavors of the heart.
increase my odds for sexual satisfaction.
I regret to inform you that we can no longer see one another. The primary reason(s) for this spontaneous dissolution is/are
religious.
political.
work-related.
STD.
Also, I am sleeping with someone else. Please
feel free to use me as a reference in your continuing search for partnership
comply with the stipulations of the restraining order.

Form Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

I have been extremely
nice.
naughty (if you know what I mean -- wink-wink, nudge).
This year
I was nice to my .
only masturbated when absolutely necessary.
stopped using needle drugs.
All I really want is a
dolly1.
RU-4862.
smack.
Perhaps some extra
cookies
skin
absolute obedience
next to the fireplace could convince you to honor my Christmas wish this year.

Form Letter of General Apology

Dear ,

Please accept this in lieu of
flowers.
a store-bought card.
anything at all.
I
have no excuse.
may have been overserved.
suffer from a rare form of tourette’s which often makes me appear drunk and out of control.
I hope you can find it in your heart to
forgive me.
drop the charges.
In the future I will be sure to
make this up to you.
pretend this never happened.

Form Suicide Letter

Dear
Cruel
World:

I’m in
pain.
a lot of debt.
love.
This is
nobody’s
’s
fault.
I’ve thought this over.
I’m so drunk.

Form Letter from Beyond the Grave

To Whom It May Concern:

It’s
nice
hot
here.

Form Letter Requesting Asylum

Dear
Sir:
Madame:
Your Holiness:

I am the
victim
perpetrator
of a
cruel hoax.
horrible crime.
In order to avoid
persecution
punishment
I humbly beseech you to grant me asylum within your
borders.
walls.
In addition to
my eternal gratitude,
state secrets,
$,
I offer you the opportunity to
do the right thing before the eyes of god and the whole world.
thumb your nose at a common enemy.

Form Letter to the Editor

I am writing in regard to the
fantastic
brilliant
piece by . Your
wit
analysis
is
spot on.
top drawer.
Keep up the
excellent
fabulous
work you are doing to
inspire
awe
the teeming masses of the
ignorant.
unwashed.
toothless.

Form Letter to the Reader

Dear Reader:

We
hope
don’t care
if you have found these letters
amusing.
offensive.
retarded.
It
was never
was
our intent to tell you how to think and/or to imply that we
are
are not
some sort of authority on communication. These letters were merely written in an attempt to make
you
ourselves
laugh. We set out with
humble
stupid
goals and
believe
don’t care
if we stayed the course.

Please accept these letters in the spirit in which they were intended.

Warmest Regards,
Shove It,

The Authors

Form Letter from You (the Reader) to Us

Dear Heather & Matt:

I
enjoyed
detested
did not understand
your most recent submission to keepgoing.org, “Form Letters”. Your
cutting-edge prose
feeble attempt at writing
in this issue
sets my heart aflame.
falls short on the meter.
I
admired the originality
loathe the both of you
just don’t understand.
Your
wit
ignorance
whole concept
is
refreshing.
appalling.
baffling.
I hope you
keep it up.
die.
never set pen to paper again.

Form Letter Responding to the Reader’s Form Letter to Us

We’d like to thank you for your creative responses to our insightful blather and suggest that you write
more
less
often. Why don’t you
volunteer.
donate some money fer crissakes.
shove it.
While you are at it,
send us some money too.
shove it again.
If we could just quit our day jobs, we would
have more time to write.
get stoned.
tell you to shove it again.

1 While some may consider this request gender-biased, we feel it’s alright for boys to play with dolls. We’re from a blue state.

2 While some may consider this request gender-biased, we feel, blah blah blah. Blue states rule.

Copyright 2005, Heather Egland and Matt McCarthy

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher.