Mean, Hurtful Poems
to People We Don’t Like
To President George W. Bush
What’s wrong with you, boy?
You probably heard that a lot
growing up. Didn’t you.
Seeing the man you've become
it’s easy to imagine you
torturing small animals
and eating poo for money.
We read in a magazine
you were a boy cheerleader
when you were in college.
The college your daddy
bought your way into.
A boy cheerleader.
You big fairy.
You’ll never measure up
to your father.
To Maury Povich
The only difference
between you and a pimp
is that you go home
and fuck Connie Chung.
You shameless
pointless
exploiter
of the carnival
freaks.
To the Pope (“Fight the Real Enemy”)
Pope, Pope, Pope.
You're old.
An old virgin.
There’s nothing
sadder than that.
You should try
having sex
before you die.
It’s great.
To Anyone In a Rock Band With No Guitar Player
That isn’t cool.
Devo blows.
To Charlton Heston
You damn dirty dickhead.
What’s with all the crazy?
You’re king gun nut
in a country full of people
shooting each other every day.
Congratulations, asshole.
You’re no Moses.
You’re an awful human being
and an even worse actor.
It won’t be your gun
they pry from your cold dead hand.
(It’ll be much smaller than that.)
To Alabama Supreme Court Chief Justice Roy Moore
Thank god
we don’t live
in Alabama.
To Arnold Schwarzenegger
What’s that you’re saying?
Nobody can understand a word.
Being rich
pumping steroids
and making questionable movies
doesn’t make you
a qualified public servant.
Go do some pushups
smoke a joint
and look at yourself
in the mirror for a while.
You egomaniacal jerk-off.
To a Certain High School Football Coach
You lingered
by the showers
for far too long.
To Ann Coulter
Evil misguided bitch.
Everything you stand for
is wrong.
You're hateful and small
a hypocritical media whore
spewing the retarded rhetoric
of extremist zombies.
And you wear too much make-up.
We can't believe people
actually listen
to the mad rantings
of such a cheap-looking
narrow-minded
cartoon character.
To Anyone Who Owns an SUV
Slaves to fashion
insensitive, under-endowed
yuppies hogging
all the gas and parking.
You remind us
of gigantic metal lemmings
speeding away toward destiny
at 8 miles a gallon.
© 2003, The Bumfuzzled Brothers
Images: wizardofwhimsey, Reuters, about.com, anncoulter.org
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