Mean, Hurtful Poems
to People We Don’t Like

To President George W. Bush

What’s wrong with you, boy?

You probably heard that a lot

growing up. Didn’t you.

Seeing the man you've become

it’s easy to imagine you

torturing small animals

and eating poo for money.

 

We read in a magazine

you were a boy cheerleader

when you were in college.

The college your daddy

bought your way into.

A boy cheerleader.

You big fairy.

 

You’ll never measure up

to your father.

To Maury Povich

The only difference

between you and a pimp

is that you go home

and fuck Connie Chung.

 

You shameless

pointless

exploiter

of the carnival

freaks.

To the Pope (“Fight the Real Enemy”)

Pope, Pope, Pope.

You're old.

An old virgin.

There’s nothing

sadder than that.

 

You should try

having sex

before you die.

 

It’s great.

To Anyone In a Rock Band With No Guitar Player

That isn’t cool.

 

Devo blows.

To Charlton Heston

You damn dirty dickhead.

 

What’s with all the crazy?

You’re king gun nut

in a country full of people

shooting each other every day.

 

Congratulations, asshole.

 

You’re no Moses.

You’re an awful human being

and an even worse actor.

 

It won’t be your gun

they pry from your cold dead hand.

 

(It’ll be much smaller than that.)

To Alabama Supreme Court Chief Justice Roy Moore

Thank god

we don’t live

in Alabama.

To Arnold Schwarzenegger

What’s that you’re saying?

Nobody can understand a word.

 

Being rich

pumping steroids

and making questionable movies

doesn’t make you

a qualified public servant.

 

Go do some pushups

smoke a joint

and look at yourself

in the mirror for a while.

 

You egomaniacal jerk-off.

To a Certain High School Football Coach

You lingered

by the showers

for far too long.

To Ann Coulter

Evil misguided bitch.

Everything you stand for

is wrong.

You're hateful and small

a hypocritical media whore

spewing the retarded rhetoric

of extremist zombies.

 

And you wear too much make-up.

 

We can't believe people

actually listen

to the mad rantings

of such a cheap-looking

narrow-minded

cartoon character.

To Anyone Who Owns an SUV

Slaves to fashion

insensitive, under-endowed

yuppies hogging

all the gas and parking.

 

You remind us

of gigantic metal lemmings

speeding away toward destiny

at 8 miles a gallon.

© 2003, The Bumfuzzled Brothers
Images: wizardofwhimsey, Reuters, about.com, anncoulter.org

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