Patrick Russell

PatrickBorn amongst the corn cousins, Elmers, and strip-mall barons of Indiana, Patrick learned early on in life that something was rotten in Denmark. After mailing many, many postcards to various addresses in the greater Copenhagen area asking after the source of the stench, and after receiving no replies to his repeated queries, he became convinced that it must be the mayonnaise.

Since that time, Patrick has managed to purloin a college degree from an unsuspecting mid-western university; to further his education with independent studies in skullduggery, balderdash, and advanced whoring-around; and to begin at least three dozen assorted novels, film scripts, and manifestos (usually reading only the first page or two before becoming distracted by something shiny—and often female—and leaving said novel/script/manifesto lying dog—eared and forlorn next to the shitter in a pile with the rest of them).

Patrick is no stranger to the minions of the law enforcement community—no more than they are to him. One step ahead of the law and about a dozen steps to one side of everyone else, he has been known to hurl insulting remarks and hand gestures at officers of the law, often from as close a distance as 900 yards; to sideswipe squad cars and send them careening off the side of the road to land in a flaming heap of scorched metal (at least he did until his Nintendo finally gave up the ghost late one night); and to flush his stash at the first whiff of trouble (or, more specifically, at the first whiff of donuts). Yes, a rogue in the most American sense of the word (that is to say, he regularly watches movies and television programs which feature rogue-like characters, nods sagely, and says to no one in particular "Uh huh"), Patrick is constantly on the lookout for new and ever more pointed ways in which to give a vicarious (okay, be fair...imaginary) hotfoot to the local constabulary.

Never one to pass up an opportunity to shoot his mouth off about a given subject, Patrick is of the opinion that you should never say anything in two or three short words that you can just as easily say in a couple dozen long, convoluted ones, as this will tend to confuse your listener just long enough for you to steal his beer. To this end he is excited to have the opportunity to have his words published online for all to see in this and future issues of's virtual mag, the fARM (though it being an Internet setting and all, he hasn't yet sussed out exactly how the beer thing is going to work.)


Copyrightę2002 by Patrick Russell.

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